


Let me go, Liebe.

by SonakuraNyria



Series: Smutty Gay Things (collection of one-shots) [3]
Category: X-Men (Movieverse), X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Hallucinations, M/M, Paralysis, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-14
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-08-08 18:29:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7768519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SonakuraNyria/pseuds/SonakuraNyria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I can't live without you, Erik. I just can't."</p><p>"You don't have to. You just choose to live without me."</p><p>"That is not true!"</p><p>"It is true!"</p><p>Erik releasing himself from Charles. He walked back over to the chess board. His weight shifting the cushion. Charles could hear it. Could turn and see it. Was he really dreaming? He grabbed his flask. He enjoyed rum more than ever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let me go, Liebe.

It's one of those nights. The three other male mutants have noticed the decline in Professor X's health. He was severely wounded from the bullet that had sprung into his spine. He had lost his ability to walk, was projecting his telepathic skills uncontrollably. The other men uncomfortable with the emotions and images they saw. Charles knew how evasive he was but it had multiplied by a few hundred times. He couldn't stop entering the mindset of his fellow pupils. His headaches now constant irritable migraines. He was a fucking  burden now. He once was strong but now he was incapable of managing his mutation. He felt stupidity crushing him as he faced his students. He was managing well enough but every once in awhile he had to call on someone to reach something or to help him transfer into his chair. Or dress. That was the most humiliating thing. Of course the boys tried to reassure him that there was nothing shameful about it but he could feel sympathy radiating off of them. Charles felt more of a charity case. 

So on the nights where he felt his depression sink in, he decided to drink his problems away. He wanted to forget Erik Leshnheer existed. He wanted to erase Raven, the woman who he named as his sister. The weeks passed by bitterly and Charles slowly regained control of his power. He felt the need to run but with no legs to carry him, how could he? Hank had mentioned that he was working on an exoskeleton that could help but Charles had dismissed the notion. He didn't want to become a cyborg. He just wanted to be himself again. He was located in his study. Holding Erik's gun. The older man neglecting to clean out his room before abandoning him. The boys had left to enjoy an evening away from the mansion. They wanted Charles to tag along but he refused. He sent them off with a wave of his hand. Reluctant as ever, they went. He was now all alone. So bloody lonely. He had never felt such a pain since Raven had entered his life. Now she had swept his joy away. He took a large swig from the bottle of gin. He hated his chair. He hated his body. He hated himself. He hated Erik. He hated Raven. He hated being a mutant. Every ugly thought that passed his mind was met by another drink. He was buzzed enough to be unaware of any presence that had entered the study.

"Charles," 

Charles turned his head slowly, lips still sucking the alcohol down. There he was! The man of the fucking evening! Fucking haunting him!

"Ah! Erik, my dearest friend or should I say my newest enemy! I must be utterly wasted!" Charles giggled out as he downed the rest in one gulp. Erik was standing there wearing one of his black turtle necks and that fucking leather jacket that Charles thought made him look sexy. Always made him look so fucking edible. Erik stood there, arms clasped behind his back, watching the crippled man roll over to his desk to grab his grand stash of drinks. He selected the whiskey next. Drunken grin on his lips as he cheered to what must be an illusion of Erik. 

"Why is that you aren't wearing that ridiculous head gear? You aren't afraid of my special abilities anymore?" Charles asked, he had rolled himself over to where his untouched chess board sat. He hadn't rearranged the pieces since his last game with Erik. Examining the dust, another swig of whiskey. 

He continued talking when he received no reply.

"Can you believe that one fucking bullet deflected into my spine would have paralyzed me? Would have made me so fucking weak? Since you're undoubtedly a drunken image produced from my depression! I can say all the things I've been meaning to tell the real Erik." 

Erik was still by the doors and watching him with sympathetic eyes and Charles snarled at him. 

"I don't need you of all people to feel sorry for me, Erik! I'm fine by myself!" 

Charles knew he was lying, he felt the tears dripping down and the reddening of his cheeks. The throbbing in his chest. Oh so familiar sensation of loneliness. Erik had approached the now much shorter man. He took a seat in one of the chairs. Settling into it with ease, eyes cast around the room. Charles didn't understand why his ghost wanted to taunt him. He yanked the gun out. Erik's fucking gun. Placing it beneath his chin. Mouthful of whiskey. Head full of thoughts. Eyes full of tears. Throat filled with words. He grinned, pressing the barrel harder against himself. 

"Charles, I came here to see you." Erik said, Charles closed his eyes as he took in the rich sound. Oh how much he loved it. He felt a sob escape, his finger on the trigger and he wished he would just pull it. End it all. Yet, even with Erik's shadow gazing at him from across the chess board, he couldn't do it. He couldn't leave his students to fend for themselves. Who could they rely on then? Fucking Magneto! The only mutant leader beside Charles. He laughed at his cruel life. He should be more selfish. Less trusting. Less open-minded. Erik had clasped his hands in a tight cradle, eyes cast on Charles. Those eyes warmer than ever before. He leaned forward, adjusting the chess pieces into place. 

"You are unwelcome in my home, Erik. If you've come to collect your things then please do so. The boys will be back soon."

"I came to see you." Erik's voice even, sliding a pawn over to Charles' side. Charles laughed harder than before.

"Well what if I don't want to see you?"

"If you truly wished me gone all you had to do was erase me from your line of sight."

Charles felt his stomach turn. He frowned and drank till half of the bottle existed. Wiping his mouth with the back of his sleeve. Erik was leaning forward now. Hands in a prayer pose. His chin hooked onto his thumb, elbows digging into his knees. Charles wasn't sure when Erik had shrugged his jacket off, casually draped over the arm rest. Charles felt his pulse light up from those eyes peering at him from under long eyelashes. He wheeled away from the table, feeling more sober but in reality most certainly drunk. Wheeling over to his desk, placing the bottle on the wooden surface. His other hand gripping the gun tighter. He felt tears slipping down, he felt a hand gripping his shoulder. Firm. He sniffled, laying his hand over it. He knew the rough texture. He lifted towards his mouth pressed into the palm. He let those long fingers cradle his chin, a thumb swiping at the tears. He could see Erik from the corner of his eye. He knew he could stop this madness now. If he could just let Erik go. 

"Erik-"

"Charles, I need to tell you that I'm sorry for what happened."

Charles gasped loudly, his lips parting as he choked on his laughter. 

"Oh no, don't give me that rubbish shit. Why can't you just leave me alone? Why won't you just vanish from my head, Erik?" Charles breaks off in sobs, gripping the ghostly hand closer. It's so fucking cold but Charles loves the feeling of it. He misses the friendship, the intimacy. He craves Erik like a drug. Not even Raven made him ache this harshly.

"I can't live without you, Erik. I just can't."

"You don't have to. You just choose to live without me."

"That is not true!"

"It is true!"

Erik releasing himself from Charles. He walked back over to the chess board. His weight shifting the cushion. Charles could hear it. Could turn and see it. Was he really dreaming? He grabbed his flask. He enjoyed rum more than ever.  

"Charles, you never drink rum." Erik stated, his nose twinged at the thought. 

"Times have changed." Charles found himself propped over the chess board.

"Not so far as you to drink this much," Erik made a gesture at Charles desk. "You used to know how to tame yourself."

"Before I met you I did. When I was with you I did. When I had Raven I knew how. Now we three are on different spheres. You're shagging my sister and I have no say in it." Charles pointed out as he took a swig. 

"Raven and I only slept together once, you know that." 

"No, no, no. I only know what I have seen. I only knew of it because of how much lust you were both projecting at each other." Charles found himself laughing. It was hysterical. "You both were on each other like naughty school children. All over the room, fucking like it was the only way to survival! My God, she is beautiful in her own way. I just didn't gravitate towards her in that manner. I'm jealous to say the least."

"Jealous of me?" Erik inquired, he had slipped the flask away from the younger man. 

"No, I'm jealous of her." 

Erik spat out the rum on account of what he had heard. 

"Pardon?" He asked, choking as he managed to drink some of the rum.

"I'm jealous of her. Just forget it, Erik. I'm too drunk to speak clearly. Yet I keep forgetting you're not real. So perhaps I can vent openly and be rid of you after." Charles snatched the offered flask back, knowing the liquor would spill if he tilted towards his mouth. He grabbed the straw off of the side table. 

"I'm jealous of her. I mean you are one of the most attractive men I have ever seen. More handsome than myself. That my friend is a true accomplishment."

"Conceded much?" 

Erik with that well known smirk. Those sweet lips. Charles wanted to suck his bottom lip and rip through it with his teeth.

"Contrary to belief I have had low self-esteem for years."

"Hm?"

"Yes, I have always been a bit at odds about myself. My looks and intellect have always made me feel strange. Attempting conversation with women always led to pointless flirting. In hopes of finding a warm  body to thrust into."

Erik concentrated on Charles' mouth or at least Charles wanted the illusion to do. Stare at him with passion. He shook his head to erase the idea. 

"Charles, are you saying that you're in love with me?"

Charles' stomach flipped. He cleared his throat. Examining the chess board. He felt his numb fingers find their way to one of his pawns. He slid it a space and sat back. Fumbling for his straw. Everything was clear with the alcohol in his system. 

"I have been projecting my thoughts so frequently that the boys get antsy. They locked up the tools from me. I had an image of me sawing through my legs. They know I won't use the kitchen knives because they won't go through the bone." 

Erik laughed, countering Charles' move. 

"Well, that is certainly interesting way of saying 'I do love you, Erik'." 

Charles feels the tingling of regret on his lips. The secret exposed between them. He feels the secure weight of the gun in his hand. He taps it against his knee in an ugly off beat rhythm. It's a harsh instrumental as he moves one of his Bishops closer to Erik's Knight. He relaxes backwards into his chair as he lets the weight of his soul settle. Shaken up and descending in a pattern of his own design. He wondered if the most disgusting sound was the racing pulse in his ears. He wish he could carve up the veins and replace them with new ones. 

"I'm curious to know if either one of us is truly surviving. If we are content with what we are or if we need to thrive off of each other." Erik stated, he had retrieved a martini and he sipped on it with casual intent. His eyes running over the chess board and then Charles' features. Such a wretched expression. Charles wondered if the most horrid thing he had ever bare witnessed to was Erik feeling guilt and sympathy. The Telepath never felt sympathy often. He felt a gracious amount of empathy. He knew haunted souls and shattered lives. Ruined hearts and severed ties. 

"What would you like the answer to be, Erik?" 

"I want us to be connected and emotionally distraught when we part."

"You don't think we've had enough drama and anguish?"

Erik's blue eyes combing through Charles' strays of hair. Charles' eyes felt droopy. He yawned as Erik contemplated a move. 

"No, I think we could suffer just a bit more. I can say that the only love worth fighting for is a love so gravely lost. Would you not fight till the ends of the Earth if that meant bringing me back to you?"

Charles smiled lightly, moving to capture one of Erik's Rooks. He felt Erik leading his hand up to cup Erik's face. Nuzzling Charles' wrist. Charles felt the lump in throat. He hit the gun harder against his knee. Wishing he could feel the pain. Knowing he was creating a bruise. He wanted to balance the sweetness out. Wanted to balance the kindness out. Drown out the familiarity of his illusion. 

"Answer me." Erik's whisper commanded. Charles kept his eyes tightly shut. The flickering of light from the fire place rushing in through his skin. As cold as Erik's hand was he could feel the warm breath. 

"Answer me, Charles." Erik's mouth coaxed, his tongue licking the younger man's vein. Charles shook his head. He wanted to melt. 

_I can't say it to him._

_You can! He doesn't fucking exist!_

_Let it all out now-_

"Charles, you're projecting." Erik drew the Telepath out of his mental conversation.

"I'm sorry," Charles said. Erik stood up. Drawing his jacket on. Charles wanted to hold his hand just a little longer. Erik leaned over to Charles. His hands resting on Charles' wheelchair. 

"Professor X, we're home!" called Alex. He was standing outside of the office door. 

"Time's up, Charles." Erik whispered.

"I know!" Charles yelled in frustration. He drew the gun up against Erik's head. Erik smiled, leaning in to kiss Charles' head. They could hear Alex retreating away from the study. 

"Stay with me, please." Charles found himself begging. His mouth dry. Erik shook his head, 'no'. 

"Please."

"Charles-"

"Please don't go." 

Erik kissed the tears on Charles cheeks. 

"Let me go, Liebe."

"I can't." 

This illusion was all he had left. He needed Erik. He pulled the trigger. Silence. Erik still leaning over Charles. The bullet crushed on the Charles' lap. He tilted Charles' head upwards. Placing a kiss on Charles' lips. Sucking in those sobs. Charles' ached from it. He cried harder and gasped, feeling a tongue slip in. Charles was startled by a knock on the door. He attempted to pull away but Erik shifted the file cabinet to lock the students out. Charles went limp when Erik cradled his head. Rubbing the tension from his neck. Dominating Charles. He pulled back when the door was forced open to a crack. Backing away to the window. Alex peeked his head inside. 

"Professor, are you okay?"

"I'm fine..." Charles said, Erik's illusion grinning at him as he leaned on Charles' desk. Hank used his new found strength to shove the door wider, allowing the boys to enter. 

"We thought we heard a gun." 

"I was um target practicing."

"Professor, you reek of alcohol!" 

Charles rubbed a hand over his face. Tracing his lips. Holding the bullet in his fingers. 

"I had a celebration of sorts."

"You should go sleep it off," Alex walked over. Slipping the gun from Charles' grip. "No more fire arms either till you're absolutely sober."

All Charles could do was nod his head in agreement, eyeing Erik who was pacing around the desk. How the hell could no one see him? Charles burst into laughter when Erik made a silly face, blowing kisses at Charles. 

"I think he's wasted." Alex said to Hank who shrugged. The boys discussing who should help him into bed. Hank finally agreeing after much persuasion from Alex. 

"Come on, Big Guy." Hank lifting Charles from the wheelchair. All tenderness as Alex began to pick up the scattered bottles, pushing the filing cabinet back. He wondered how the hell Charles had managed to move it but he let it go, considering drunk people gained some type of unknown strength. Hank started up the steps and Charles watched as Erik trailed behind them. Hungry eyes on Charles. His footsteps light. Hank stopped abruptly, turning around and sniffing the air. Charles stared in wonder. Hank just shook his head and continued to Charles' bedroom. Charles had buried his face in the blue fur, rubbing his face in it. 

"You smell like Downy, Hank!" Charles blurted out as he was laid on the bed. Hank smiled at him, slipping off Charles' shoes. Erik standing on the other side of the bed.

"Sleep well, Professor." Hank wished as he closed the door. His feet on the steps. Erik settled in beside Charles. Grasping the younger man's hand. He pulled him in for another kiss and Charles willful as he let Erik's illusion take over. He didn't care if this was fake. He needed it. Charles found himself in a blur of time. Suddenly blinking and he was undressed. Erik settled behind him, kissing his neck. He had pushed Charles' knees into his chest, exposing his hole. Erik's cock hard as he rubbed the lube on Charles' ass. 

"Erik-"

"Don't worry. This will feel great, Liebe." 

Erik's promise made Charles relax as a finger plunged in. He winced and whined. Unable to buck his hips away from the intrusion. Erik soothing him with a shower of sweet nothings. His fingers shoved in Charles' mouth. Two in Charles' ass. He bit around those phantom digits when Erik introduced his cock. He could almost taste iron from the blood that gushed out. Erik hissed telling Charles to suck his fingers. Charles whined when Erik pulled his cock out. Working on stretching the younger man. The older man thrusting further every time he re-entered. They both moaned when Erik settled in fully. 

"Good boy, Liebe." 

It's all Charles can do not to cry out for someone to rescue him from the intensity of it all. Erik is his only shelter as the man thrust into him causing a fire to ignite in every fiber. He's not sure when they've changed positions but Erik's on top of him now. Gripping his hair and exposing his neck for teeth. Teeth that rip into sweaty flesh. Erik's hand working on his cock. Charles mouth hanging open in a silent scream as he let's himself come undone. Erik finishing him off with sloppy strokes. Charles tears springing. Renewed when he comes by command. Erik slows his punishing pace to simple pushes til he pulls out entirely, stroking himself on Charles' stomach. When he's finished, he runs cum stained fingers in Charles' hair. The short sleek style now filtered in with their essence. He strokes Charles' hair til Charles finds himself drifting to sleep. 

 

When Charles' wakes up he's aware of a hang over. His body hurts. His knee is bruised. He looks at his bed and finds no signs of anyone else there. He sighs in deep. Erik's illusion no longer there. He checks his body for any cum and there is none. When Hank assists him into his chair, he tells the younger man that he won't need further assistance. Hank leaves only to return moments later with a note. 

"Professor?"

"Yes, Hank?"

"Alex said he found this pinned to your desk yesterday." Hank states, handing the ripped note over, eyes cast on Charles. Charles takes it, his mind banging but through his blurred vision he can make out the odd handwriting. He's certain it's not his own. The curved strokes of a fountain pen.

He reads the words:

_When you're ready, Liebe. You know how to find me._

He feels his lips pull into a grin on their own accord. Fucking Erik Lehnsheer and his damn presence lingering even long after he's gone. He feels the tears slip and he laughs to which Hank nods his head in uncertainty and leaves his Professor alone. 

"Oh, old friend. I most certainly do, don't I?"

**Author's Note:**

> This is a copy of my original publication on Wattpad. I hope you enjoyed and feel free to drop a comment. Any feedback is welcomed. I honestly was in a fucking dark place when I wrote this. I don't mind hearing any random thoughts that might've occurred while reading.  
> If you have any questions or concerns please feel free to express.


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